Wednesday, August 5, 2009
The Bullshit that is Twilight
I don’t care what you’re into. There’s plenty of shit I like that I’m sure you’d find lame. But Stephanie Meyer, author of the Twilight series, is a serious suck-ass.
Here’s why I will never see/read the bullshit that is Twilight: It’s never seemed like a work from someone who loves writing and wants to enrich the world. It seems like a cash-grab by a housewife who wanted to push a lame allegory about pre-marital sex. I’m sure when Stephanie Meyer originally came up with her brilliant concept someone told her, “No, Steph you can’t use wizards. It’s already been done. How about vampires? Teenagers are suckers for vampires.”
To which she replied, “I don’t know. My Mormon overlords may not approve. But I guess I am hitting them over the head with a thinly disguised morality play. And the female character is very weak and can’t decide which clichéd movie monster should deflower her. So yeah, I think that will work!”
What’s next for the Twilight series? A Frankenstein with kick ass abs and a heart of gold whose intentions are misunderstood? A powerless female who loves him despite his looks? Oops. Stephanie Meyer just got a great new idea.
In the recent Entertainment Weekly, Meyer said she couldn’t show Twilight to her husband because “I was embarrassed. It was about vampires.” That should tell you right there where her heart and wallet was at. The piece also said she doesn’t read other author’s vampire lit and has never even read Bram Stoker’s classic bloodsucker. And she doesn’t watch R-rated movies so she’s never seen a vampire movie. Really? So how the fuck does someone wake up one day motivated to write about something they know absolutely nothing about? Money, plain and simple. It’s like a Klan member trying his hand at hip-hop because he knows that’s where the dollars are at. And just like hokey religions that rake in the cash, Meyer has launched her own with her cheesy vampires and flighty chicks who can’t decide which man will tell her what to do.
Look, if you dig this crap, fine. Knock yourself out. But realize this lame ass has you all snowed. It would bum me out to find out my favorite musician hated the music he played and did it solely for the check. Would I still listen? Maybe, but it would drastically change how I perceived the music. Stephanie Meyer wants nothing to do with you and your vampires, yet when the first check arrived in the mail, she went against everything she believed in to crank out more books. That to me is not only insulting, it’s pretty corrupt. But like the wussy vampires she writes about, the money to her is like the blood they suck: she got a taste and couldn’t say no. The books may provide her with the blood she needs but the readers are the suckers.